just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
