You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
