Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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