I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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