Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
