yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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