I puked a lego.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
