Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
