Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
