I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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