Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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