So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
