I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
