I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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