theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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