sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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