it wasn't lemon gatorade
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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