I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
