i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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