Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Shame is for Republicans.
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