Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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