Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
