She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
