FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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