does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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