this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
