Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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