i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
