Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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