I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm having to shit out rocks
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