Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
