Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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