In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
