btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
