I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Randomize
