Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
