you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
