I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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