True but thats because hes a fetus.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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