I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
