If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
