Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
