If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
