No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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