I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
