Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
