I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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