if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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