totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
