I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
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