remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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